Keeping a secret

August 31, 2016

We can keep secrets about anything but the kinds of secrets I wish to talk about today are the kinds that we keep to ourselves. The ones we keep hidden and dread anyone else finding out about. It may be something that we have done or something that has been done to us, but in either case it is something we go to great measures to hide from the world and sometimes from ourselves.

There is an ugly truth about a secret that I think most people are unaware of. The truth is; you don't keep a secret, a secret keeps you. The walls that we so carefully build up to hide a secret is actually a prison we build around ourselves that keeps us trapped and apart from all that we want in life.

I came upon this idea because I was keeping a secret, a secret that I was afraid for anyone to know. If someone had found out about my secret I would have been devastated. And over time my secret began to control and dictate my life. Now what I was afraid for anyone to know compared to someone else's secret may not seem so bad, but it was to me. And in the end how we feel about something determines its painfulness or the hardness of it. Where it may be hard for one person not to smoke another person will never give it a second thought. We are all different and what may be hard for one person may be easy for another.

My secret was that I was suffering from hair loss. Luckily it was a slow process but it was devastating to me none the less. At first it was barely noticeable that only required a small change in how I wore my hair to conceal it. But gradually it increased and it became harder to hide. I stopped going swimming, which is something I love to do, because it was noticeable when my hair was wet. I panicked when it was windy or rained because it might do something to my hair. Where I hardly used hair products, I became best friends with hair spray so I could style my hair to hide it and then glue it in place so nothing would change. I dreaded haircuts and I didn't let anyone play with my hair anymore, not even my children.

I remember seeing other women who were experiencing hair loss and were not hiding it as I was. I used to wonder how they were able to be so brave while I was so ashamed and embarrassed. The worst part was the depression. I believe the depression was due to the fact that I was letting this secret completely control my life. I wasn't free; I was chained to keeping my secret hidden. I wasn't keeping my secret, my secret was keeping me. It was keeping me from doing the things that I loved and from living life completely. My life was dictated by the limits of my secret.

When I came to realize the power my secret had over me and my life I was dumbfounded. I had never thought a secret could control me the way this had for several years. And when I realized how devastated I would feel if someone found out about my secret I began to see the trouble I was in. I saw that I had to do something about this now or it could very well ruin me and my life. It was then that I decided I would no longer keep a secret. I am a private person and I like my privacy but I would no longer live my life with a secret that I was hiding. I decided to have my privacy but live my life with the belief that if anyone found out anything about me I would be okay. If someone knew something about me I wouldn't be afraid any more. I wouldn't be afraid to talk about it or afraid of anyone else talking about it.

When I decided to do this I was hesitant at first and it was scary. But it was also liberating and freeing. You are never really able to understand the weight upon your shoulders until it is removed and once it is you feel lighter than you ever felt before. In the end I know I made the right decision for me. I now let my children play with my hair again. I have started going swimming again and I love it. Some of my hair has started growing back and some of it hasn't. But come what may I have decided to love it and just enjoy living without the heavy unnecessary burden of a secret. I highly recommend it. 

Whatever your secret is, let it go and take back your life. Do not let it keep you anymore.

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